OneDrive is the greatest rubbish website in the history of the universe. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not referring to the files that are stored on the site as rubbish, but rather the essence of the site itself that exudes crap.
I kid you not when I say that I can’t download anything from the site. All I want is to download the 20 GB worth of photos that I have stored on the cloud system onto my local hard drive. It’s a simple task. Straightforward really. Painless to be sure. Right? My dream is so modest, yet Microsoft is proving to me that it is not to be achieved. Allegedly.
I have spent 8 hours of my life only to download a grand total of 7.4729 GB from the site. “Oh but you live in Cambodia, your internet is snail speed.” I assure you that the 0.048 km/h speed of the garden snail isn’t the problem here.
The downloads stop midway more often than not, which means that I have to restart the process from the beginning every time it fails, which feels like a random game of chance whether each download gets completed, which means that I have to play the odds if I actually want the photos. And I do want the photos. So I click on ‘Download’ again, and again, and again, in the hopes that maybe, finally, this time it will be different. But unfortunately, OneDrive has other ideas.
My favorite bit is when I wait patiently for a transfer to complete, and then I eagerly open up the downloaded folder, but instead of seeing my photos, I’m greeted by Error 79 with the allegations of ‘inappropriate file type or format’. Erm, but I’m not sure how I can be a part of this particular problem. All that I’m qualified to do on the site is to point and click like a monkey. I point to .jpg files, I click on Download. At the end of which I get a banana. Just kidding. I’m feeling hungry from all the pointing and inappropriate allegations.
And please, please, don’t get me started on the scroll bar. All it does is play hide-and-seek behind the Rainbow Ribbon in the corner. Apparently the experts at OneDrive think it is a genius idea to place a floating icon right where the scroll bar should be. This way if I want to scroll to my files by sliding the bar, I can’t. So that’s good.
But not to worry! As soon as I start fumbling in the bottom corner like a moron, a prompt appears that suggests I ask Copilot for help. Oh I’m sorry, I had no idea that I was a flight Captain! That’s quite clever, but you can’t convince me that a Captain doesn’t care about the moral etiquette of scroll bar access.
The scroll bar is an ethical standard in computers, a mandatory courtesy – no, a fundamental human right that is intrinsically inherent to mankind. A universal symbol of freedom and basic necessity that is most probably governed by strict international humanitarian laws. Most probably, but don’t quote me on that.
As an upstanding citizen who has an index finger that can click like a monkey’s, I demand my God-given right to physically scroll to my files like a caveman than to ask for help from a fake pilot chatbot. For the future generations of human race, it is truly our duty to protect the scroll bars from the AI bot invasions at these times of unprecedented danger.
The situation is grim. I’ve missed two meals today, a swim session and a scheduled fight with my cat at 8pm this evening all because of OneDrive. I take it personally that I’ve lost 8 hours of my life and I’m still not even halfway done with the download. This torture I have to go through is no doubt to keep me hostage to Microsoft evil subscription plans. I’m tired and starving, held against my will, and the subscription payment renews tomorrow. There just isn’t enough time. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer as I type.
At least I’m not alone in my pain. Threads on Reddit such as ‘Onedrive makes me want to die’ and ‘BoingBoing: Everyone Hates OneDrive’ confirm my misery. Nothing can stop me now that I’ve found a whole community that embraces me with open arms and validates my thirst for vengeance. I will plot my retribution and make sure that OneDrive gets a taste of its own medicine! Justice will prevail!
As for how I will make a website feel retaliation, I haven’t figured the answer to that one yet… but if you think that I’ll let a small unimportant detail like this hold me back, you’re wrong. The most important thing here is to show OneDrive that it’s not acceptable for it to use cruel predatory tactics to bully poor innocent folks with snail internet. Because well, how the turntables, and I won’t rest until justice is served.
It’s hard to come up with a great revenge on the spot, but when I do, OneDrive won’t know what has hit it. It will be the best retaliation plan for a crappy cloud-storage service anyone has ever seen. They also say that the best revenge is to let your enemy know that you live well despite what they’ve done to you, so for the moment, I’m going to take a nap first. But I promise that this isn’t going to be any ordinary nap. I will nap so hard that OneDrive will know that there’s nothing it can do that can hold me back.
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